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Friend of a Friend/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Great news. My friend from college is coming to Dog River. Brent Leroy: I didn't know you went to college. Lacey: It's not a big deal. Everyone goes to college. Brent: I didn't. Hank Yarbo: I didn't. Oscar Leroy: I didn't. Emma Leroy: I didn't. Wanda Dollard: I did. But I don't go around braggin' about it. Lacey: I thought just you and I were talking. Anyway... Brent: So your friend is coming? Lacey: Yeah, Connie. We had some great times, you know the kind you only have in college. Well, you'd know if you went. Right, Wanda? Wanda: I went there to learn, not to socialize. Lacey: And that's coming across. Gee, I'm sorry, I hope you didn't think I was bragging about college. Brent: No, I didn't. Hank: I did. Oscar: I did. Emma: I did. Wanda: I did. Brent: Ah, don't pay any attention to them. Now, could I get a refill there, professor? Lacey: Connie, you made it. Connie: You look great. It's so good to see you. I didn't even recognize you. Lacey: Thanks. Let me take you back to my place. Connie: Okay. Lacey: Oh. Uh, this is Davis and this is Karen. I'll just tell my cook to watch the restaurant. Davis Quinton: Hi, there. Connie: Well, aren't you a hefty fellah. Davis: Huh? Connie: I thought Chips was cancelled, Ponch. Lacey: Okay. Let's go. Connie: Anyway, nice to meet you. Lacey: See you guys. Davis: Was she just rude to me? Karen Pelly: Oh, don't feel bad. Ponch was everybody's favourite. Oscar: How much for the milk? Wanda: Two twenty-five. Oscar: Rip off. This used to be my place. I should get a discount. Wanda: For you, two and a quarter. Oscar: Wait a minute. Wanda: Make a decision quick. That milk expires in 20 minutes. Oscar: What's to stop me from buying this at the Co-op? Wanda: You were barred from the Co-op two years ago. So unless you have a bucket and a stool, you're payin' for milk. Oh, you'd also need a cow. Oscar: You know what this place needs? A loyalty rewards program. All the good places have them. Wanda: You didn't have one when you owned the place. Oscar: Always lookin' back, livin' in the past. When I ran this place, we looked forward. Wanda: Okay, okay. I am giving you a brand new Corner Gas customer discount card. Oscar: But this is just a scrap of paper. Wanda: A true reflection of how we value you as a customer. Oscar: That's better. Wanda: Oh, that milk costs two twenty ah, forget it. Wes Humboldt: Hey, can I get a card? Davis: What are you doin'? Karen: I'm looking up my friend on the Internet. She's doin' undercover. Davis: Ooo. I don't know that site. Karen: Undercover Police Officer, that's what I wanted to do. Davis: You could never do undercover. You have to be able to act. Karen: I act like I get along with you, don't I? Hank: You know what I hate? Brent: When people just out of the blue say, "You know what I hate"? Hank: No. But that is annoying. I hate when somebody makes an honest mistake and then says that they lied. Brent: I don't follow ya. Hank: Ask me what day it is. Brent: What day is it? Hank: Friday. No, wait. I lied. It's Thursday. See, that kinda thing. Brent: Except today is Friday. Hank: If you knew, why did ya ask? Lacey: Hi, guys. Brent, Hank, this is my friend, Connie. Hank: Hey, there. Brent: Hi, Connie. Lacey: Brent owns the gas station. Connie: Well, no surprises there. I'm gonna go wash my hands. It's really nice meeting you. Lacey: See you guys. Brent: Did you find that rude? Hank: No. Okay, wait. I lied. Yes, I did. Brent: You're right. That is annoying. Brent: Hey, Wanda, are my hands dirty? Wanda: Well, we're none of us innocent. Brent: No, I, I mean literally are they dirty? Wanda: Oh. As far as gas jockeys go, no. Brent: What about other kinds of jockeys? Wanda: Compared to disc, yes. Compared to horse, no. Hank: Horses don't have hands. Wanda: Touché. I should tell you, I started a customer rewards card. But don't worry, you won't have to do any work. Brent: Don't worry, I won't. Hank: A customer rewards card. Good idea. Creates goodwill. Brent: We don't need goodwill. You only need goodwill if you have competition. Wanda: Relax. It'll be easy. Hank: Can I have one? Wanda: No. Hank: But I'm a regular. Wanda: No. Hank: I'm here all the time. Wanda: No. See how easy it is? Hank: Brent? Brent: This is startin' to feel like work. Give him a card. Wanda: Okay. But this only works if you start payin' for stuff. Hank: I'll cherish this forever. Thank you. Brent: There's no way I'm dirtier than a disc jockey. Hank: I lost my card. Can I get another one? Paul: Hey, Lacey. I heard you were going around braggin' about how you went to college. Well, just so you know, I have a Master's in History. Lacey: That's great. A couple of red wines? Thanks. Connie: Did I mention I was engaged? Lacey: Oh, congratulations. You found somebody you love. Connie: No, I'm just engaged. Lacey: Oh. Connie: Would you be my maid of honour? Lacey: Oh, would be honoured. I thought you would ask Sally. Connie: I know. I was Sally's maid of honour when she married Bill. Lacey: Oh, that's right. Connie: But now I'm marrying Bill. Lacey: Oh. Well, uh, well, I, I, I have been out of the loop. Paul: Hey, Brent. I hear you guys are giving away loyalty cards. Brent: How did you hear about that? Oscar: Look what I have, Paul. Do you have one? Huh? Huh? Brent: It's a pilot project. I don't have much to do with it. Paul: How about a rye and water on the house? Brent: Sounds good, Prestige Customer. You tell Wanda I said it was okay. Connie: Hey, hey, anytime there, barkeep. Hank: You want another round? Connie: Well, give the man a prize. And I had you sized up for an ignorant bumpkin. Hmm. I'm gonna go sit somewhere else. Lacey: Oh, isn't she great? Brent, isn't she great? Brent: Well, she, she's, um...hey, look, pickled eggs. Hank: Emma. Can I ask you for some advice? Emma: Can't you ask your own mother? Hank: You know she's gone on to a better place. Emma: They have phones in Saskatoon. Hank: Should we tell someone if someone's friend's being rude to someone? Emma: What are you talking about? Hank: Would you want to know if someone close to you was being rude to everyone? Emma: Oh. This is about Oscar. Hank: No, no, no, no. Listen. Hey, Brent. If everyone thought one of your friends was a big jerk, wouldn't you want to know about it? Wanda: Oh, that reminds me. I need to talk to you about Hank. Hank: I'd like to see you go up against Connie. You're two peas in a pod. Brent: Geez, that would be good. Battle of the Rude. Wanda: Are you saying I'm rude? Brent: You didn't let me finish. The Rude versus the Witty. You're witty, with a slightly abrasive edge, that we all love. Hank: In a pod. Brent: Hey, Mom. What do you think of this Connie thing? Emma: I'm not gonna gossip. It just makes people miserable. So I hear you have some kinda new card? Brent: Ah-ha. But isn't that gossip? Emma: If you don't give me one, I'll make you miserable. Brent: Well, I guess if anybody deserves a card, it's the boss's Mom. I'll have my associate Wanda hook you up. Emma: Are your hands always this dirty? Karen: That was rude of you to disrespect me. Davis: I didn't disrespect you. Karen: You said I couldn't do undercover work. Davis: Oh. So now being honest is being rude? Karen: I could do undercover work. Davis: I know you could. It's just that you'd be really bad at it, that's all. Oscar: Hey, Karen. Can I talk to you, or are you in the middle of some kind of undercover operation? Karen: You told Oscar? Davis: It, it just came up in casual conversation. Davis: Hey, Oscar. Karen thinks she would be good at undercover work. Isn't that funny? Oscar: That is funny. But have you seen this? Emma: So, is this the same card Oscar got? Wanda: Yeah, totally equal. Emma: It should be better, shouldn't it? Well, it's, it's just that if you give Oscar and me the same card, you make us out to be the same. Wanda: I thought you would be above this. Emma: Emma with two M's. Davis: Hey, Brent. Brent: Hey, guys. Karen: Anything, uh, new at the station? Brent: Nah, not really. Davis: Nothing? Nothing different? Brent: Uh, no. Karen: Really? Nothing new at all? Brent: Oh, the card. Do you want a card? Davis: Well, if you think we deserve them, sure. Brent: Absolutely. From now on, you guys are Elite members. Karen: Just Elite? Brent: Gold Elite. Tell Wanda I said make it happen. Hank: Hey, Karen. I heard what Davis was saying, and I want you to know, I think you'd be great at undercover work. Karen: Uh, thanks? Hank: I mean you're so emotionless and cold, you'd be perfect. Karen: Thanks. Hank: In fact, you have such a flat personality, you could easily slip into other people's skin. Karen: Appreciate that. Hank: The way you drift in and out of people's lives without leaving any permanent roots, you'd make a perfect undercover agent. Karen: Why all the compliments? Hank: I need you to help me show Lacey that her friend is rude. Karen: Lacey wouldn't listen to me. Hank: No, she wouldn't. That's why I need you to wear a wire. Talk to Connie and get her on tape being rude. Then Lacey would have to believe it. Plus, you could prove to Davis that you can do undercover work. Karen: Oh, I'm not sure about that. But this does give me an idea. Wait here. Hank: Well, hey, tell me the idea. Karen: I leave and I don't help you. Wes: How come Hank and Paul have the same level of card that I do? Wanda: Oh, they're Prestige. You're Senior Prestige. Wes: I let you backdate your insurance that time you drove your car... Wanda: Okay, okay. You're Platinum. I'll just need to access your file to input the necessary changes. Pla-ti-num. Congratulations. Wes: Cool. Brent: Platinum now? Wanda: I slipped it in between Gold Elite and VIP Titanium. You have got to stop handing out new cards. Brent: You said I wouldn't have to do any work. Wanda: How is not handing out cards doing any work? Brent: I don't know. It smells like work. Emma: How come Wes is Platinum and not me? Oscar: Hey, pass me the ketchup, will ya? What, are ya deaf? Pass me the ketchup. Connie: Please, just leave me alone. Oscar: What? I just want the ketchup. Connie: Help, Police. Davis: What is it? Connie: That man is bothering me. Davis: What man? Oscar: She means me, Jackass. I just asked her for ketchup. Davis: Did you say please? Connie: Okay, I want to help the crazy homeless as much as the next guy, but that man is harassing me. Oscar: I'm not homeless. Connie: Please, just stay away from me. Arrest him or something. Davis: I'm sorry, Ma'am, there's nothing I can do. Connie: Do you mean legally or physically? Because I bet if he were a piece of ham, you'd go right after him. Oscar: What ham? Connie: You are the worst police officer I have ever met. You're incompetent and lazy. Davis: Lazy? Emma: Hi. You must be Connie. Connie: What a friendly little town. Everyone keeps talking to me. Emma: Hi. My name's Em... Connie: It doesn't matter. Emma: Huh? Lacey: Let me get this straight. Oscar is calling my friend rude? Davis: She is. I saw it. Oscar: She wouldn't pass me ketchup because I'm homeless and said I was bothering her. Lacey: Bothering someone. Well, that doesn't sound like you. Davis: She said I was lazy. Oscar: She called me a piece of ham. Lacey: Okay. I have work to do. Davis: I don't even like ham. Oscar: Pass me the ketchup. Davis: Stop bothering me. Emma: Lacey's friend is really rude. Brent: Ah-ha, that is gossip. You do engage in gossip. Emma: Yeah. And your point is? Brent: Engage away. Emma: Someone should tell Lacey. Brent: Well, I'd feel weird doin' it. Wanda: I'll do it. Emma: It would be awkward. Might hurt Lacey's feelings. Wanda: Let me do it. Brent: It will require some sensitivity. Wanda: Mmmph. I want to do it. Pick me, pick me! Ooo, ooo, ooof! Brent: I think Horshack wants to do it. You haven't even met Connie. Emma: Still, I'd love to see Connie and Wanda go head to head. Wanda: Oh, I'd take care of her rudeness. Emma: Yeah. Sometimes you have to fight fire with... Brent: Wit. Fight fire with wit, is the old saying. Look, I share a workspace with Lacey. I think we all know who should do this. Emma: I have to tell you something about Connie. Lacey: Oh. Can you believe that Oscar accused her of being rude? His behaviour must just roll off you. Emma: Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about. Lacey: I don't think there's anything you can do. You've been together so long you can't change him. Emma: No, it's about your friend. She's really rude and you seem blind to it. Lacey: Oh, okay. Oh, I, I see what's happening here. This is classic transference. You can't stand Oscar's rudeness, so you're projecting it onto Connie. Emma: No. What's happening here is you're embarrassed by Connie's rudeness and you're transferring it onto Oscar. Lacey: Not transferring, projecting. Emma: On Oscar? Lacey: To Connie. Oh, wait a second. Who's transferring and who's projecting? Emma: All I know is your friend's a bitch. Hank: Hey, Davis. You got any wires? Davis: Wires? Like telephone wires? Hank: No, like undercover wires. I wanna wear one. Davis: Oh, okay. Now, you just tape this to your body under your clothes. Hank: What kinda tape do you use? Davis: I don't know. Maybe duct. Hank: Okay, thanks. Davis: Hey, you don't think I'm incompetent, do ya? Hank: No. You're giving me this stuff, aren't ya? That's very competent. Davis: Thanks. Hank: Hey, Connie. Remember me, Hank? Connie: Uh, hi. Hank: How are you liking Dog River? Connie: What? Hank: I said how are you liking Dog River? Connie: Look, I don't have any spare change. Leave me alone, and take a bath. Hank: Okay, Lacey, here's the proof. Lacey: What proof? Hank: Listen. Oh? Just hold on one second. Just, uh, one second. Sorry, just...okay, this, this is supposed to be your friend bein' rude. Lacey: You taped my friend? Hank: Well, I would have if Davis gave me the right equipment. Man, he's so incompetent. Lacey: Why would you do something like that? Hank: Huh? Well, because Karen wanted to go undercover. Lacey: So this was Karen's idea? Hank: Yeah. You know how emotionless and cold she is. Lacey: Real nice, Karen. Karen: What? Oscar: I'm hearing rumours that there's another, better card. Wanda: Who told you? Oscar: A couple of people. Paul: Look at this, Oscar, Plutonium. Emma: Platypus. Kid: Geranium. Wanda: Are you trying to say Platinum? Oscar: Whatever. Fork it over. Wanda: Actually, there's a new system now. You're on the ground floor. No more cards. We use points. Oscar: Points? Wanda: Yeah. This bag of pretzels, for most people, a buck 25. For you, 125 points. Oscar: Oh. I'm likin' points. Wanda: You want to buy this bag of pretzels? You pay me $1.25, I give you 125 points. Oscar: It's like money. Wanda: Exactly, exactly like money. But, uh keep this under your hat. It's pretty exclusive. Oscar: Mum's the word. Put me down for a thousand. Lacey: Thanks for coming. This is about Connie. I don't need people who I thought were my friends telling me that my other friend is rude. Brent: She is rude. Lacey: I know. That's why I don't need you to tell me. Emma: You knew she was rude? Lacey: Of course. Connie's rude. She has always been rude. It makes things awkward sometimes, but I guess I hang out with her because I feel sorry for her. Connie: You feel sorry for me? Lacey: Connie hi. Brent: You're right, that is awkward. Brent: Hey, Paul. How's my favourite Prestige customer? Paul: Oh, no, I'm not using the card. I'm on the point system. Brent: The what? Paul: Oh, right. It's on the Q.T. Here's my money. Thanks. Brent: What was that about? Wanda: We lost the card system. We're on points now. Brent: Oh. I was just about to introduce a new Ultra Aluminum level. Oh well, I can still play the big wheel. Instead of handing out cards, I'll hand out points. Wanda: Points are cash. Brent: Oh. They're on their own. Connie: So, I'm rude, and our entire relationship is based on a foundation of lies and deceit? Lacey: It looks that way. Connie: Are you still going to be my maid of honour? Lacey: Of course. Wanda: So is this your friend, Connie? Lacey: Yeah. Oh, you two haven't met. Wanda: Nope. But I've heard a few stories about her rudeness. Lacey: O-kay, Wanda, you don't have to do this. Wanda: Relax. This will only take a second. Just stand back there with your lollipop pants and let me take care of this. Lacey: Lollipop pants? Connie: I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah. I've never seen anyone wear a test pattern before. Wanda: Yeah, no kidding. Say hi to the Partridge Family for me. Connie: That's hilarious. Wanda: Yeah, well, I am full of wit. Lacey: Rhymes with wit. It's nice to see you. Connie: Wow. Is she always that rude? Wanda: Yeah. Category:Transcripts